Well, the boy I really like (see: If I Lick It, Is It Mine?) left my house about 20 minutes ago. He informed me that he recently met someone else and, since I don’t want a monogamous relationship, he wants to see how things play out with her.
Now, to his credit, he told me in person, he is acting with integrity, and he is hoping to maintain a friendship. How am I supposed to maintain a friendship with someone and respect his boundaries when he is like a breathing fuck toy to me? We are not meant to be friends.
Maybe I’m acting emotional right now because it literally just happened and I’m still sorting the feels. But, it also dropped out of nowhere. Let me run you through our recent timeline:
- Today: We met at the County Clerk’s office to file our respective start up company documents. We got lunch and then drove to my house. I was excited for sex, but then I heard the dreaded, “I need to talk to you about something. . . “
- 2 days ago: His mom, brother, and he came to my house for the afternoon. He kissed me on the mouth when he left.
- 1 week ago: I gave him a birthday gift and the best blow job of his life (see: Pleasure Is My Drug of Choice).
- 2 weeks ago: We sat naked on my floor after sex and he wistfully mentioned that maybe in another life my daughter would have been “brown” (he is Black/Latino). He also asked me on a date since we typically meet at my house to have sex and hang out. I said, yes.
- 3+ weeks ago: He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too.
What. The. Fuck. I guess I’ll file this under Poly-problems since I will continue to have people flow in and out of my life with ever evolving boundaries. I got attached to this guy. I don’t want to have attachments. So, I’ll take this as a learning opportunity on how to balance the delicate intimacy vs. nonattachment dynamic in my relationships.
I know he truly cares about me. He loves me and wanted more of me than I was willing to offer. It hurt him to tell me this. I mostly listened as he spun through why he was making the decision and how he wants to maintain a friendship and be in my daughter’s life and blah blah blah.
He asked how I was feeling and I paused to check in with myself. Part of me wanted to say, “can we at least fuck one more time?,” but, instead I told him that I felt happy for him. That I wanted him to have people that filled his life with joy. He nodded and clarified his question, “but how do you feel?” I responded, “it actually isn’t your concern how I feel. I’ll talk to my friends about this when I’m ready to process it. I told him that I hoped we could find a way to be friends, but that I wasn’t sure I would want a relationship with him that didn’t involve sex. I told him that I carved out time for him in my extremely full schedule because of our sexual connection and that I wouldn’t be as willing to carve out time for him in a nonsexual friendship. I said all this while wanting to cry.
We were supposed to hang out most of the afternoon, but I told him that I thought he should go. We hugged for too long and I noticed my breath starting to catch as I worked harder to hold in tears. “You need to go now,” I said in the kindest way possible. “You’ll be okay,” he whispered as he let go of our hug. Which was the stupidest, most obvious thing in the entire world to say.
And, I watched him walk out my door as my first tear fell. And, then, I walked into my kitchen and noticed he left his fucking cell phone. Which is still here. Sitting on my fucking counter.
And, that is how a break up happens in a nonrelationship with nothing to break up. Where will we go from here? Who knows. But, I know I just found a lot more free time in my schedule. . .