Jealousy is not sexy at all. It creeps up on the best of us no matter how hard we try to avoid it. I have some insight on this after a recent experience and the advice I was given really helped put things in perspective for me, so I’m hoping passing on this information will help some of you as well.
A conversation with someone I’m dating led to questions about other women for the first time and he divulged information about a woman from his past and mentioned he had slept with her. Of course I casually tossed my hair, took a stiff sip of my martini, flashed a smile and acted like this information didn’t phase me. After all I’m a successful, pretty, smart, confident woman…right? Although I shrugged it off and continued over the next two days to tell myself that I was fine with this, I found myself wondering about her. What was she like? My questions were endless. What did he find attractive about her? Was she prettier than me, funnier, more athletic? What does she do for work? Then I started asking myself why I was so curious about her and did it really matter? I knew the answer was no, it didn’t matter and I was upset at myself for caring anything about her, but this didn’t stop my curiosity.
After a proper social media stalking that turned up very little about her and I still couldn’t find a photo, I called Spice as she is the only person I’d actually admit this stupidity too. Spice, as always, offered a piece of advice that not only helped me put things in perspective but I think should be shared to help others dealing with feelings of jealousy.
Spice said, “there is nothing you can find out about her that will be helpful to you. His relationship with her is completely separate from his relationship with you and there is no comparison between the two of you. He enjoyed her for reasons specific to her and he enjoys you for reasons specific to you. Can you not enjoy both chocolate cake and cheese cake? You can love the flavor and consistency of one and then enjoy a piece of the other. The cheese cake doesn’t need to wonder if the chocolate cake is better. It’s just a different delicious. Take whatever you are feeling jealous about and use it as a driving force for self improvement. Work on the areas of yourself that you are feeling jealous about in others. That will lead to a constructive path of improving yourself instead of focusing on comparing yourself to someone else or, worse trying to find fault in another person to make yourself feel better. ”
This resonated with me so strongly. There IS nothing I could find out about her that would be helpful to me. Let’s say I found a photo and she had amazing legs, would me feeling shitty about my legs help me out at all? Instead the areas that I’m wondering about and feeling insecure about I can work on, which leads to me ultimately feeling better about myself instead of feeling less than someone else.
The only person we should be better than, is the person we were yesterday. If this guy I’m dating enjoyed or enjoys another woman, it has nothing to do with my worth, his desire for me, or mean that she is better in anyway. Chocolate cake isn’t better than cheesecake, and she isn’t better than me. I’m reminding myself of this and turning the wasted energy of thinking about her, into thinking about myself. I’m going to focus on being a better version of me tomorrow and I found with that the feelings of jealousy subsided.