5 Ways to Be A Better Sexter

sex, dating, european, rough, kink, cultural, language, breakdown, sexting, awkward, dating, online dating, art show, communication

I met a guy online and, after a few brief text exchanges, invited him to a friend’s artshow.  It was a public space (safety first!), I was going anyway (convenience second!), and his photos were sexy (sex potential third!).

He was even better looking in person: tall, fit, and with an odd-European swag plus accent.  We grabbed drinks, scoped the art show and then settled into some conversation.  The conversation was interesting, but there were some language/cultural breakdowns we needed to overcome.

It was kind of hard to tell if his bluntness came from his background or if he was just kind of an asshole.  Either way I laughed hard when he told me that men won’t find it attractive that I don’t want a husband.  My attention was piqued however when he started to talk about his sexual preferences: rough sex that ‘many women can’t handle.’  “Are you a sadist?” I politely inquired?  “No, I want a partner who wants to fuck hard and enjoys it,” he clarified.  I said nothing, but held his gaze until he broke the silence.  It was like an odd game of ‘chicken’ and I won the round.  “Did I scare you off?” he asked a bit nervously.  I paused briefly, softly chuckled , and responded, “You’d laugh at that question if you knew me better. . . ”

As we began kissing, I reminded him that he wasn’t supposed to be attracted to me since he was a  man and I don’t want a husband.  Pretty sure I won that round too.

We kissed well together, but I had an early morning and my body wasn’t sure it wanted more from him.  So, we made a vague semi-commitment to see each other in the future when he was back in town for work.

These days most of us live busy lives and texting is the modern way to nourish a budding relationship during the potentially long gaps of physical contact.  Text game is crucial.  This guy had zero.

He immediately began trying to create a sexting dynamic that I was NOT feeling and earned himself the nickname “Awkward Sexter.”  Here’s an example of a real text convo:

AS: 7/13 7:04pm:  I’m just lying in my bed relaxing a bit and had a “visual” of you. . being here. .

Me: 7/13 10:47pm: Well that’s a fun visual.  Would you care to share more?

AS: 7/13 11:04pm: I was thinking your athletic body naked in front of me bed over against the bed . .

11:09pm: bend over*

11:22pm: How does that sound?

Me: 7/14 7:03am: Sounds like fun.

AS: 7/14 12:27pm: Yeah it does.

12:29pm: Not sure what I’ll do next. .

6:52pm: I meant you not sure what I ll do (to you) next 🙂

7/16 8:29pm: How are you?

The awkward sexting continued for a few weeks with very little engagement from me.  Finally, I told him that, although I’d felt a connection in person, I was not feeling our different texting styles and had lost the connected feeling to him.

Here are some sexting take aways:

  1. Make sure the sexting is desired and consensual.
  2. Read your partners responses (literally and metaphorically) and adjust your sexting accordingly.
  3. Spell and Grammar check your sexts.  Nothing is less sexy than a poorly typed text followed up by a clarification text.
  4. Even is both parties are enjoying the sexting, continue to ask non-sexual questions to show the level of interest goes beyond sex.
  5. Be sure to continue to meet in person.  Sexting is a place holder!




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