This morning I woke up and decided to be bisexual. Not in a “I’ve known this all my life and am going to come out and live my truth” kind of way, but rather in a “I’ve never been sexually attracted to a woman and that is annoying to me so let’s get started” kind of way. How efficient would it be to be able to pull from both (all?) the genders in your dating life? I’m already thrilled about the potential new experiences I’ll get to have and stories I’ll get to share with you. But, before I get too excited I’ll need to strategize how this is going to happen.
Step 1: Text one of my many friend group chats and notify them.
Me: (9:14am) Also, unrelated – I want to try to be bisexual. How would one approach this? I want an equal opportunity vagina
Friend 1: An equal opportunity vagina is kind.
Me: I want to be kind.
Friend 1: I guess the same way you are meeting all these hot dudes!!!
Friend 2: Love this all, Spice! (plus some rainbow-isa colored heart emojis)
Friend 1: Kindness is cool always.
Me: Yeah, but I’m a kindness virgin who hasn’t been sexually attracted to women. Maybe I just haven’t met the vag for me?
Step 2: Go out with a girlfriend and notify her.
Me: (9:30pm) I decided to be bisexual.
Her: But you don’t like women.
Me: But I think I can if I reallllly try.
Her: Um, I don’t think it works that way. I think you’re born with that orientation.
Me: But, but, but, I could learn. I’m a good student. I can do this. Okay- I’m going to scan this Reggae concert club for hot women to make steamy eye contact with.
(Me: scans room, sees only attractive men, ignores women, gets man’s number and am making plans to see him soon. Mission = Failed).
Tuesday & Wednesday:
My general strategy is to tell people and start to settle into my new soon-to-be pussy eating identity. I’ve told my super cool single mom friend who thinks this whole thing is hilarious and shared her own girl-on-girl experiences. I’ve told my other super cool friend who shared her own girl-on-girl experiences. Starting to think I’m the only one who has not had girl-on-girl experiences. Starting to think maybe women don’t find ME attractive? Is it me? Fuck. Choosing to ignore that option until I get more data. One of these friends mentioned that I should get on Tinder and open up my profile to women when I travel and then I could dabble. This will be pondered seriously. The other asked how the hell this came out of thin air as one does not simply go to bed 100% heterosexual and wake up 50% heterosexual.
I hadn’t stopped to wonder about that and this is what I think happened. Side note: is the percentage breakdown of bi 50% heterosexual? Or am I doing the math wrong? Or am I past the point of caring about this binary gender, binary sexual orientation, labeling bullshit? However, the labels are pretty helpful when it comes to chatting with friends and trying to figure out what the fuck is going on . . .
My bisexuality was most likely triggered by really great oral sex. A guy was going down on me and he was so into it that I got jealous feelings. I wanted to experience my pussy. Why did he get all the fun? Sadly, my mouth to vulva distance is prohibitive, BUT I am done ignoring half the population as potential sex partners. Folks, as a feminist I think I need to try bisexuality. Fingers crossed that I find the V (or Vs) for me.