Can You F*ck Your Lover’s Friends?

friends, fuck buddies, etiquette, sex, protocol, exes, divorce, dating, trifecta, manipulation, lovers, complicated

I’ve had an extremely special man in my life for over two years.  We are sexual partners and have a deep amount of love for each other.  He recently moved to a different state, but we remain actively in touch.  His friend -Frank -and I ran into each other a couple weeks ago and started to platonically hang out.  Frank is good-looking, interesting and attentive and, to be honest, I would have already slept with him if the friend complication didn’t exist.

The other night, Frank came over to hang out.  He brought a nice bottle of wine.  I heated up frozen tamales.  A few tamale bites in, he looked at me and said, “I usually am really good at sensing vibes from people and I cannot read you at all.”  Here we go.  I clarified, “I think you mean you are interested in knowing if I want a sexual relationship with you?” He laughed at my bluntness and confirmed that was what he was curious about.

I paused to check in with myself and gather my thoughts.  “Well,” I said slowly, “I think you are attractive and interesting.  And, I like being around you.  But, _______ is always with me when you and I are together and I would need to address that before truly thinking about where we could go sexually.”  Honest, succinct, and not the answer he wanted.  I was then treated to what I have dubbed the “Trifecta of Manipulation” (emphasis on Man):

  1. Separate girl from boy who is cockblocking: “Oh, I didn’t know you and _____ had a thing.” “But, you weren’t the only woman he was seeing when he lived here.” “He had other women in his life.” (me: Yeah we do have a thing, he’s incredibly special in my life.  Yep.  He had lovely women here and we had no monogamy restrictions.)
  2. Weaken the friendship bond: “You know, we aren’t even very close friends.” “I don’t consider him in my closest circle of confidants.” (me: You’re friendship with him is separate from my relationship with him and that is what I’m focused on.) 
  3. Mansplain ‘how it’s done’:  “No one checks in with friends about this.” “Especially not in this city.  It’s just not how it’s done.” (me: It doesn’t really concern me ‘how it’s done’ by other people.  My values and integrity are the priority and I will decide how it’s done in my life.)    

After each of the three steps failed, Frank left rather abruptly.  He called a few days later to see if “things were weird between us.”

Regardless of whether I decide to pursue a sexual connection with Frank (despite the unattractive and pathetic Trifecta of Manipulation), I will talk to my special guy first.  Fucking the friend of a lover is similar to fucking a friend’s ex.  A discussion should happen between the primary relationship first.  To be clear, I don’t think you have to ask for permission, but I do think it’s important to communicate the intention to pursue a sexual relationship.  It’s a respect and integrity thing.  And, the one thing I’m sure of is that – regardless of who I’m fucking – I get to go to bed with myself every night and I want to be sure that I value the choices I make and the actions I take.


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