I have the greatest friends and I have the greatest lovers. And, the commonality between the two types of special people in my life are a sense of love, respect, and safety.
I love to connect the people I care about and watch their relationships blossom. But, again, this requires good communication and integrity and boundaries.
Unfortunately, this did not go my way recently.
I have been dating a younger man for about six months and our relationship recently ramped up its intimacy level. We’ve shared more time, experiences, and stories. I’ve talked to him about my insecurities, boundaries, and desires.
I have had a friend for almost two years with whom I’ve created many lovely memories and shared many laughs, cries, and moments.
Recently, I introduced the two and we spent the evening together along with one of my other close friends. It was lovely and easy and I sat on the guys lap while we all chatted and we frequently exchanged kisses.
The three started drinking heavily and out pacing me. Drugs were mentioned. Heading to another party was mentioned. And, I decided it was my time to leave. The guy and I kissed goodbye and I told him he was welcome to come to my house later – although his intoxication level wouldn’t have left much room for sexual fun. He told me he couldn’t as he had a house party to attend. I didn’t mind at all, but was a bit put off when he didn’t even offer to walk me out of the bar.
I woke up the next morning with a text from both of them confessing they had hooked up. And, my heart dropped a bit. Both of these individuals know that I’m all about the open love, nonpossession, and nonmonogamy. But, that doesn’t mean that you fuck everyone within your social spheres without communicating in advance. I don’t expect a request for permission, but I do expect a conversation.
It’s beautiful that two people connected. The heavy amounts of substances used probably facilitated the interaction, but none of that truly matters to me. The characters revealed to me are not people who I choose to have in my realm. And, definitely not in my vagina.
I had to do a self-check to make sure I wasn’t being jealous and reactionary. And, I realized I wasn’t. I felt disrespected and discarded. As if my polyamory had allowed them to disregard any intimate connections I felt toward a sexual partnership.
My friend apologized and I politely told her that I would no longer like to pursue our friendship. My lover apologized and I politely told him that I would no longer like to pursue our dynamic. No anger, no drama – just no longer necessary or desired to have these individuals in my life.
Maybe they will be able to develop a wonderful relationship together, which would be a beautiful outcome. Or, maybe they will take a moment to consider the impact their actions have on others and use this as a learning experience.
Either way, after this recent exfoliation of dead relationships, I can still say that I have the greatest friends and the greatest lovers.