I matched with a guy on a dating app who clearly stated that he is in an open marriage. James was attractive, interesting, and seemed genuine. We met for a hiking date followed by beer followed by a steamy car make out session. He talked about his wife and their decision making process to open their relationship in an incredibly thoughtful and respectful way.
We started a sexual relationship shortly after. The sex has been fun, connected, and exploratory as we learn about each others bodies. However, the wife – we’ll call her Megan – is always with us in a pseudo-spiritual threesome. In the least creepy way possible. And, I think this is mostly my doing. I feel an extreme level of respect for Megan and her courage to pursue a non-traditional marriage path. She is sharing her husband with me and that is lovely, generous, and brave. I feel protective of her heart. My main concern has been that I am an active participant in maintaining the boundaries they have laid out for their extra-marital relationships. Maybe I’m walking on thin ice with my own heart as I was on the receiving end of a brutal affair between my husband and our nanny. I refuse to be the ‘other woman’, but am fine with being ‘an additional woman’. Consent, integrity, and communication are the key differentiators here.
James mentioned that he would like for me to meet Megan and that she was interested in meeting me. Not necessarily for a threesome, but for life integration purposes. A weird, awkward happy hour with my lover and his wife? I’m in. I was oddly calm as I walked into the restaurant and aware of the importance of the moment. James was already seated and – after a quick hug – I chose the spot across from him. We made small talk and then Megan walked in. It was a bit surreal to watch the husband and wife hug as they have for over a decade and the comfort and love between them was clear. It made me feel happy. Megan turned out to be both physically and internally beautiful. Her energy is confident, sexual, and open. She is a complex thinker with an easy laugh but a serious soul.
We talked about mundane life stuff and learned about each other as humans. Then we transitioned to the dynamic at hand, which -at no point- felt like the elephant in the room. I reiterated my protectiveness of her heart. I assured her that I was not in competition with her and had zero interest in impinging on her role in James’ life. I, more than once, wondered what it would be like to experience her sexually. The three of us shared laughs, a few tears, and I could feel the connective threads of intimacy winding their way around us. Them: the main unit, the nucleus. Me: the free agent, the ion circulating the cell. Megan could have used her position to make me feel “less than” and she chose never to use that power. Instead, I could feel her hand me more power as a generous gift for being a special presence in the life of the man she loves. This was even more evident when she told James that she was going to head out and that he should walk me to my car.
Meeting my lover’s wife should have been really bizarre and uncomfortable. But, I’m no longer operating in the world of ‘should’. Instead, I found it to be lovely and expansive. Is a threesome imminent? Maybe. Will Megan and I develop our own sexual relationship? Possibly. Will the three of us be a highly-customized version of friends? Absolutely.