How to Have Great Sex: With Yourself

Self love comes in many forms. . . (see what I did there? Comes? hehe). Anyway, we’ve all heard the buzz words: mindfulness, meditation, self-love, self-compassion. However, many of us still struggle with how to embrace these philosophies and incorporate them into our daily lives. The vast majority of us want to love ourselves.

We want to connect with our partner(s) and special people in our lives. We want to have an exhilarating – or at least satisfying – sex life. Well, here’s the answer: masturbate. Learn how to love yourself enough to take the time out of each day to mindfully masturbate. Call it your own personal meditation practice.

In the same way you walk your dog, throw the ball for him, take her to the dog park to exercise, you need to also care for your body. I can hear you now: I don’t have enough time in the day. I have a partner who can get me off. I don’t masturbate.

Stop everything and listen: You don’t have time NOT to. It doesn’t matter – your partner can watch for all I care, but this is solo love. Start.


Here are some tips to get you started on the path to having great sex with yourself:

  1. Reframe your thoughts on masturbation: We all have preconceived notions and judgements placed on masturbation. It depends on how we were raised, who our peer group was/is, and our previous experiences. Suspend all that as best you can and start to think of masturbation in the most basic sense: self love through self pleasure.
  2. Get to know your body: Look at your vulva in the mirror each day. Find at least two things you like about it and discard any negative thoughts. Take a moment to be amazed at it’s brilliance. Vaginas are badass. They birth babies, cleanse the body of discharge and menstrual blood, give and receive pleasure. Begin to acknowledge that diverse power.
  3. Romance yourself: You probably wouldn’t fuck a guy who showed up and tried to stick his dick in you. Your body and soul deserve to be romanced. Set the mood – light a candle, bring out sex toys if you have them, make the effort with yourself. Don’t have lazy sex and don’t lazy masturbate.
  4. Experiment: Masturbate the way you want to have sex. Try different positions. Be creative. It may feel silly at first. You make think to yourself, “I could get off on my back with a vibrator in 2 minutes. Why the hell am I pulling out lube and nipple clamps –(or whatever you like).” Do. It. Anyway. Masturbate sitting, standing, in the shower, on the couch, on your knees. Be both the student and the teacher of your pleasure.
  5. Be accountable: You may have a gym buddy, or someone you share an exercise tracking app with to make sure you have some accountability. I recommend getting a friend to do a masturbation challenge with you. Each day you have to try a new masturbation technique/position/etc and report to each other on your experience. Have fun with it. Turn yourself on.

No more excuses. This is your moment: go on and get off.

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