I Want To Have My Cake AND Eat It Too

cake, polyamory, monogamy, nonmonogamy, partners, sex, dating, jealousy, possessiveness

Why is a bad thing to want to have your cake and eat it too?  Isn’t that a pretty awesome concept? And, yet, that phrase is said with such disdain.  Polyamory seems to be the ‘have your cake and eat it too’ of the sex world and I think these folks are on to something.

For some reason, society has decided that monogamy is the way to go.  Once sex is involved you are supposed to limit yourself to one partner.  I’m ready to challenge that:

  1. Love and desire are not limited resources.  They do not need to be approached from a scarcity mindset.  Time and energy, on the other hand, are limited and everyone should ideally be communicating with their partner(s) about whether their attention needs are being met.
  2. Sex is beautiful thing to share with others.  I’ve heard “if the sex was good enough you wouldn’t want to go elsewhere” and I think that’s crap.  We don’t have one great friend and tell ourselves that we don’t need any other friends because their friendship is good enough not to look elsewhere.  People meet different needs in us and draw out different aspects of ourselves.  Body safety is a real concern and, again, it’s where clear communication and safe sex practices are critical.
  3. Jealousy and possessiveness are not signs of love.  They are signs of insecurity and the desire to control someone else’s body and experiences.  If a partner is not with me, why would it matter if they are off having sex with someone else or if they are off grocery shopping?  His/her want to connect sexually and emotionally with someone else in no way takes away from his/her feelings towards me.  I understand feeling hurt when someone chooses to spend time with another over spending time with me.  I’ve had to process that before, but I know their choice does not diminish my greatness.  I may be cheesecake and they are in the mood for german chocolate.  I can never be german chocolate, but I can find partners who often crave cheesecake.
  4. Trying to be someone’s everything is too much pressure.  No one can meet all the needs of another.  That is codependency at it’s most toxic.  We should rely on a wider network to love each other: emotionally and physically.

There have been casualties from my choice to be non-monogamous.  Kind, sweet, sexy, and wonderful men have decided they can’t be in my life and share me with others.  I pride myself on being upfront with my choices, doing my best to never lead someone one, and respecting the choices and boundaries of the people in my life.  But, it’s sad.  I want my cake.  And, I want to eat a lot of cake.  And, I want a lot of different flavors and varieties of cake.

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