I had heard about women doing creative things with their vaginas to decorate for Valentines day so I decided to do something different one year. This story is a flashback to many years ago, but I think its fitting this week to share for anyone who is thinking of getting creative for Valentines.
It was Valentine’s Day and I thought it would be a good idea if I shaved my pubic hair into the shape of a heart. I had rushed to buy candles, ingredients for dinner, chocolate for dessert, wine, pick just the right music and – last minute – decided this might be a fun add on. While at the store, I ran back to the hair color aisle as I had a crazy idea while waiting in line. If I’m shaving it into the shape of a heart, why not color it red!? Nothing says I love you like a little red heart over your vagina right?? Punk red hair dye was added to the shopping cart and I got home with just an hour to spare.
Jumped in the shower and got to shaving. This proved to be a challenge as my hand-held mirror kept fogging up and its hard to shape a heart when you are looking at it from above, or upside down if you bend over. This heart ended up crooked too many times but finally it looked enough like a heart and I was content with the shape. It would have to do, I needed to hurry up or he was going to be here before I’d finished! Freshly shaven I mixed up that punk red hair dye and slap it on. OOOUUUUCH! The chemicals in the hair dye were burning the crap out of my freshly shaved lady friend and it stung like hell! I jumped around a bit and kept blowing on it, I was not going to give up, I had to endure the burn for 10 minutes to turn my little heart a fun punk red color.
When that timer went off I ran to the bathtub and washed off the dye. Ummmm something wasn’t right. The hair was still dark, it wasn’t red at all. A quick call to my hair dresser went like this: Hey Jackie quick question for you, I’m dying my girlfriends dark brown hair a fun streak of punk red, so I put on the hair dye and it didn’t work, its still dark brown. “Of course she said! You have to bleach the hair first and then put on the dye, you can’t turn hair that dark hair red without bleaching it first!” Got it, thanks!
I took a quick peak in the bathroom cabinet and there was a small container of hair bleach that belonged to my roommate. Here goes nothing, I thought! I mixed that up and slapped it on my little vagina heart and endured the second round of intense burning that was the result of putting bleaching chemicals on my freshly shaved once already dyed vagina. I rinsed off with cool water to stop the burning and excited looked at it to see how it had turned out, it was only a slight light brown and I didn’t have anymore time to mess with it. At this point my skin was more red than my pubic hair from all the burning.
I mixed the last of the red hair dye and put that on. Some time later I was ready for the big reveal although it didn’t turn out anything like I was expecting. My skin was bright red, aggravated and a little swollen from all the dye and burning. The mis-shaped heart now had patches of hair missing from it because some of the hair fell out from the excessive processing of dying it too many times. My heart didn’t look anything like a heart and the worst part of all, it was this gross rusty color. Not red, not brown but the grossest copper color you could imagine.
Needless to say my partner at the time was a little weirded out by the looks of my lady part after dinner, and I wasn’t about to tell him the ordeal I went through.
Note to all ladies thinking they might need to get creative with their vaginas for Valentine’s Day, there are SO many ways to get creative without going through all that mess. Here’s an idea, grab a bottle of whip cream, get naked, make yourself a whip cream bikini and offer him dessert!