How do you get what you want in a relationship, when the person you want it with wants something else?
This is something I have spent many nights laying awake thinking about. There have been relationships in my life that I wanted so badly to be the way I envisioned them in my head, but I couldn’t get what I wanted out of that relationship because they saw it differently in theirs. There are men in my life that I would love to have as just friends and yet they keep pushing for more, waiting for an opening or an opportunity, continually making their case. There is a sexual partner who I want more than anything to continue to have a no strings attached kind of relationship with, where we continue to enjoy each other sexually without the complications of a relationship but he wants a monogamous relationship. There are men that I could have seen myself forever with, thought I was perfect for, and they looked at me like I was the flavor of the month. And there is my ex, the father of my children, who I’d love to be friends with and work together with, in a positive way, to raise our kids as a team even though we don’t live in the same household.
So how do you get what you want in a relationship, when the person you want it with wants something else? Here’s the answer: you don’t.
I’ve tried year after year to get these people to see my vision of us, I’ve been clear about my intentions. I’ve painted the picture of how great it would be. But I’ve come to the realization, that with the same conviction that I have, the clear vision in my mind and heart of how that relationship is better the way I want it, they have a completely different vision that they are just as set on and there is no changing people.
I can’t make someone love me who doesn’t. I can’t convince my ex to be my friend when he’s determined to hate me. I can’t get my sexual partner who wants monogamy to just keep tappin’ my ass and not worrying about what I’m doing when I’m not with him. And I can’t convince the guys in the friend zone that there is never a chance either.
So if you are anything like me and are trying to have relationships with people that want a different kind with you, here’s my advice for what its worth. Be honest with yourself and what you want. Be honest with them and tell them what you want. Then, be a good listener and hear what they are asking you for. If those things do not line up, then stop trying to make them want something they don’t. Love them enough to accept who they are, what they want, and let them go.