I recently met a wonderful man. He’s smart, kind, interesting, sexy, and feels the same way about me. He checks all the boxes except his libido is significantly lower than mine. Fuck.
Now, he is not the only man I’m dating, so I’m not at the monogamy-mercy of his libido as my only way to gain sexual pleasure from a partner. But, I want to have sex with HIM.
I understand the reasons for his low libido, he’s open to discussing it and makes clear it has nothing to do with me. And, I believe him. I think. I know I’m awesome. And, yet, part of me still wonders if he has low libido with everyone. Or, if he met the right person maybe his libido would magically return. I’m searching for reasons to personalize his libido and it’s not helpful for my self-esteem.
What it ultimately boils down to is that I want this man to want to have sex with me. I want him to find me desirable. I want him to want to rip my clothes off and feel wild about having a sexual connection with me. Instead, I feel hesitant to initiate sex for fear of rejection. I feel unclear about when his libido is too low for sex vs ‘regular amounts of low’ and sex is an option. And, I wonder what makes the difference. It’s been proven that he is very well able to get and sustain an erection, he is able to ‘successfully perform’ sexually, so I’m just not sure what is going on.
If a Victoria’s Secret model propositioned him, would he politely decline? Is there something I could do that would flip his libido switch? Are these even helpful questions to entertain?
What I’ve realized is that his libido is his issue. I will need to go into all our interactions with the expectation of no sex. Then, if sex happens it’s a cool bonus. Maybe I’ll masturbate before we see each other to take the edge off. I don’t like being left with the lady equivalent of blue balls. But, to be honest, I’ve mentally cockblocked myself with him to the point where I don’t even really want to have sex with him when we are together. It’s like some kind of mental sexual protection mechanism I’ve developed. But, shit, does this mean that low libido is contagious?
Luckily, my libido is on fire with other partners, so I don’t think I’ve caught low libido from him. I’ll remain on guard though.