Some days I wonder if I am a goldfish. I swim around in this fishbowl of men and am equally excited each time I see one. But, it’s usually the same story. Attractive man, good vibes, and physical connection followed by diminishing reliability, lessened responsiveness, and eventual fade-out into nothingness. And yet, the eternal optimist in me won’t allow me to become jaded. Each time I meet someone new I am stoked off the potential. Each time I am slightly surprised when it transitions back to being strangers. Each time I am given the option to blame them, blame myself, or chalk it up to the greater universal wisdom for who should stay in my life and who should move along.
I am a keeper. I mean that in the sense that I keep people. My worldview is that love, connection, and intimacy are abundant and infinite. So, while time is limited, loving relationships are not. It perpetually surprises me when others view this differently. I’ve had consistent friends for decades and adding more does not seem complicated. Why can’t we have the same dynamic with sexual partners? Why do we complicate connection once a penis has entered a vagina (or whatever type of sex you like to have)?
It seems that the men I’m attracting are afraid of their own intimacy and boundaries. My best guess is that they worry that they will become too attached or that I will become too attached. The energy behind this worry seems that it would be better put to use practicing nonattachment. We could all love each other, trust each other to have healthy boundaries, and manage relationships transitioning in and out of sexual connection.
Why is it so hard to find men who want to have intimate connection, friendship, and sex without ownership over each other? Why do they treat sex partners with less respect than friendships? Shouldn’t sex elevate the responsibility we have to show kindness, respect, and love to those we let into our most intimate realms?
That mini-rant brings me to Green Thumb Thug or GTT for short. GTT got his nickname from his Tinder profile where he described himself as “just a thug who drinks rice milk” and someone who “grows succulents, but will still pull your panties to the side at your cousin’s wedding.” Obviously, I was in love. We shared some fun texting and made plans to meet up, but he cancelled the day we were supposed to get together. The text game fizzled and I eventually forgot he existed.
Fast forward one year and I notice a cute guy watching me. As I walk past him, he asks if he knows me and tells me he thinks he follows me on Instagram. We check and he does not, but as I begin to walk away he calls me back and shows me his phone with my cell phone number in it — “is this your number?” he asks. And, everything clicks: IT’S GTT!
Our connection was immediate, our chemistry hot, and he seemed to have a capacity for depth.
And, yet, several weeks later here I am swimming around my fishbowl. His texts have become less frequent, he has flaked on two different sets of plans, and I’m deep down the ‘I don’t have time for this shit’ path. Probably at the point of no return. Sex is great, but I won’t have sex with someone who doesn’t respect my time or make an effort to carve out time to be together. I was excited about him. I was excited at the potential relationship we could craft together. But, I will be excited at the next man who enters my realm.
Thank you, NEXT.