Have you ever met someone, developed a relationship with them online and/or in person, and then had them suddenly drop out of your life? If so, you’ve also been ghosted.
A quick Google search defined Ghosting as: ending a personal relationship with (someone) by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication. The ghostee is left wondering what the fuck happened. Did he die? Was he married and his partner found out and flipped shit? Is he in a coma or suffering from amnesia about how awesome I am? Did he lose his phone and have no way of finding me? Or, the likeliest scenario, was he done with the interaction and too much of a coward to communicate his feelings? Nah. He’s probably dead.
I have never ghosted someone, but have done the ‘slow fade out’ which is less abrupt, but still doesn’t communicate the intent. I understand not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings, or not having a clear reason for why you are over it, or just not wanting to be bothered with the discussion. I’ve also been on the receiving end of a guy fading from my life as I watched with curiosity and briefly baffled at anyone not wanting to hang out with me. But, this was my first official ghosting. My ghost cherry has been popped by an army guy who maybe got deployed and is now in some foreign country with no ability to communicate. But, more likely, was probably still married, frustrated by my lack of availability, and found a new side piece to get sex from in between his uber shifts.
Here’s the story of my first ghosting. I met Carlos online and we had immediate chemistry (see: It’s Always A Good Idea to Smell Your Fingers). After our car interaction, we had a date over ramen and another date over coffee. Neither of which ended in car sex and both were rushed given my super full life. At the end of our last coffee date, he got a bit body entitled, which is always a turn off. He was stressing me off when we were going to “get real time” together and his expectation of sex made me want sex less even though he has a smoking hot body and a sexy deep voice. We kissed a bit and made plans to see each other later that week when I didn’t have my kid (aka: sex time) and I left. And, never heard from him again.
Here’s our last text chain:
Him: I’m here (at the coffee place)
Me: Walking over
Me (2 days later at 7:36am): Morning plus kissy face emoji
Me (4 days later at 3:15pm): Did you go away?
Him: (nothing except a read receipt that he got the message)
Soooooo, he’s not dead. And, he has phone access. And, all signs are pointing to him being over the dynamic we’d created. I could try to run through all the possible scenarios for why or I could use this ghosting experience as a way to practice non-attachment. He came into my life, he came (into a condom) inside me, and he wasn’t meant to come to any more moments with me. Buddha has a beautiful quote (yes, I’m quoting Buddha on a sex blog) that says: “In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”
I could send him a text calling him out further, I could call him and rant on his voicemail, I could wonder if something is wrong with me, or I could gracefully let him go with good wishes and positive vibes. His behavior will always be a reflection of him, not of me. And, I don’t fuck cowards. So, boy bye. And, namaste mother fucker.